When you have more than a “small mind”, this is how you look:
You are well upholstered; you have an ex-beauty queen for a wife; you live all your life on Facebook, attacking President Muhammadu Buhari, warts and all (you could get loony about his wife Aisha, though); you could hate the APC, and its northern, Fulani, Muslim majority (you don’t mind getting a title from the Zamfara emirate though you’re a Christian from the south).
Plus, you could have been a campaign director for your party, the only bread-and-butter gig you had briefly six years ago; but, somehow, in spite of your sudden expiration politically, you have snagged the title PDP Chieftain (if that’s an official party title); and you have turned that into a meal ticket, gallivanting around the PDP-controlled states, starting from the east, your second home where your wife and your Biafra’s varnishing, living hero Nnamdi Kanu come from, touring with a convoy of policemen, junketing journalists, and other leeches, covering six states after the covid-19 lockdown. You are not campaigning. Nor are you on party’s official assignment. Just farting around.
Seriously, you’re bigger than what most stupes think, Mister. Especially as you’ve convinced yourself you are the only firebrand from your political dynasty now as dead as dodo, where your late pop was a lawyer, party-hopper, deputy premier in those olden days, and fiery columnist, so fiery as to eat his words when faced with brutal death by coup plotters.
When it comes to this sort of family lore, and all the old wives’ fable of heroics, you truly have an edge: your gramps were Bible-thumpers, and you followed suit, especially in the Evangelical footstep (the militant, kinetic type), and you added a degree in law from the UK. For that law—you yourself might not have stepped in any court to make a case since your glorious call to the bar, light years ago. No matter. It’s a good thing you’re lawyering up for the gospel and Jesus—against the gates of hell—on Facebook.
You are still big—bigger than some journalist looking like death warmed over, hungry, and saucy, asking you a very stupid question: Who bankrolls you? And, to worsen things, the jerk works for a regional rag whose publisher, somebody you can easily call on your Galaxy 6, just kicked out most of his journalists.
Why, you are big—as an ex-minister of aviation and public affairs adviser known for your forked tongue and mindless loyalty to your paymaster ex-President Olusegun Obasanjo. You’re mighty big—as a suspect who had been caged for corruption allegations (N300m-bribe for printing posters nationwide for PDP’s campaign organization in 2014), and your accounts frozen for many years, and you remain as rump-fed as ever.
Granted, you’re still rich.
But we understand the rich also cry. And you wanted Nigerians to weep for you when your wife tried to hack one of the frozen accounts, triggering an alert at the EFCC in 2014. Here’s your sob story then:
In an attempt to starve and harass me and my family all my accounts and wife’s accounts have been frozen. Now they are resorting to arresting people’s wives and children for no just cause.
Now that you’ve bared your extra-long fang to make the whole world know you’re the most important political animal since 1960, you deserve some eyeballs.
So, peeps, will you all hail this biggest political operative and fattest un-elected party honcho: PDP Chieftain, Lawyer, Evangelist Femi Jesukayode, known, until now, as Femi Fani-Kayode.
There aren’t so many like him in the PDP. Which is why the party chairman Uche Secondus is down on his mouth watching this drone come from behind to lead—shall will say bilk—the party. There’s been not enough to go round since 2014 when their party hunkered down on the treasury, and pilfered $2.1bn. Every PDP chieftain, elected or not, has hit bottom. They’re now tax collectors.. And early birds catch the worms.
FFK has about 12 more states to visit. He’ll do it in good time—before another god-forsaken, small-minded journo does something stupid again. More important: the worst recession in 10 years is creeping in on us.