When they all started out—all those sleazebags and their fuddy-duddy head probing Ibrahim Magu because AGF Abubakar Malami had a dream Magu stole money and funneled it through a churchmaster Emmanuel Omale—many Nigerians thought they were up to some anti-corruption thing that makes sense, because, at least, all of the panelists no longer wear Pampers and bibs. But now it’s clear: they— APC President Muhammadu Buhari, Justice Ayo Salami, DIG Mike Ogbizi, and who else?—are all supposed to be in old people’s homes kicking their heels and sharing jokes.
As per jokes, nothing amuses as much as the monkey game going on at the Buhari panel. It’s crushed the EFCC former boss Magu because Malami, reeking with shit of corruption and abuse of office (allegations) himself, alleged the sleuth hound re-looted billions of the loot the EFCC recovered. And when it is time for the accuser to nail down the guy he accused of thievery, Malami is pulling his forelock like a dumbass.
If that’s not funny enough, look at this donkey act: Malami had flapped his mouth earlier on, neighing he was ready to vomit as many boluses of fibs as possible before the old fogey heading the rudderless panel (Oh.. the panel has a goal, really, to apply the rule of law to mangle the anti-corruption bulldog so it becomes something as adorable as a poodle on a short leash Malami’s hand). And Malami, Salami, and others seemed to have hopped in on the plan with both feet. So Malami jubilantly proclaimed:
“So, if Ayo Salami panel invites Abubakar Malami (SAN) as a person or the Attorney-General of the Federation for any testimony or any clarification, for any examination or cross-examination for that matter, Abubakar Malami will definitely and gladly within the spirit and context of rule of law be there to testify and will submit myself to be cross-examined,”
He was saying all that cowshit because Sahara Reporters, SERAP, and all the NGOs—essentially those that hate his flaring nose when he goofs as a justice minister—are heckling him for hiding high-profile corruption files of some PEPs; they’re barking at him for quickly moving from a faceless senior advocate of Nigeria five years ago to a filthy rich serving AGF boasting of a high-end school, a mall, a mansion, and others in Kebbi, Kano, Abuja. Those are the ones uncovered now. No mention of those pieces of property he probably owns in the UK and the US where dirty public servants like they say he is launder and stash dirty monies.
Maybe Magu knows where his boss Malami hides his own wealth. Maybe Magu knows the amount of wealth, in greenbacks and quid, will knock Buhari, who usually swoon when he hears billions stolen, off his chair if he knows his first among the equals Malami is a Judas. So Magu, too, has asked Justice Salami to bring Malami to testify. Because the panel had been acting like Malami’s goons all the while. It has brought corruption suspects and ex-cons before the panel, to testify against their prosecutor, and that in in the absence of the prosecutor. It has slapped up something of hogwash it called prelim report whose only meaningful content was the recommendation that Magu and his directors be suspended.
Whatever it was that now gave, only justice knows. But something else is amusing again. That was the manner in which a panel as absolute as arresting and detaining a Magu would swear while inviting Nigeria’s richest to appear:
“You are hereby commanded in the name of the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria to appear before the Judicial Commission of Inquiry to give evidence in respect of your allegations against Mr Ibrahim Magu,” Sahara Reporters said.
And the bragging Malami would just deadpan, and act like the old geezer that invited him could go to blazes:
“But instead of appearing before the panel, Malami wrote a letter of disobedience to the subpoena, stating that he would not appear as a witness. He hinged his refusal on the fact that he only made charges against Magu based on the petitions he received against him in his office
In hindsight, we know what it’s when justice ministers get scared white on invitation to a panel or elsewhere. Malami’s predecessor Mohammed Adoke made a kill in Malabu oil deal when he was in office. He showed a clean pair of heels in 2015 when he got a panel invitation.
But Malami won’t run nowhere. No point. His boss Buhari is too old and too weak to worry about his No. 1 law officer obstructing justice and using some fake technicality to wise off the blowout of his shitty secret. And, luckily, again, the papa in charge of the panel did something as badass as fight, for the last time, in 2011, when he, as Appeal Court president, fought his boss CJN Aloysius Katsina Alu, and he got thrown into retirement by PDP ex-President Goodluck Jonathan. Very possible that was the last fight the panel chairman, 77, would give.
Most 70-something-year-olds in government or public service usually don’t get it on their own no thanks to second childhood setting in. Now imagine one dealing with a wiseguy like Malami.